Today my motive to blog is not good that is not for sure, it is not Godly and it is not to be inspiring
Today my blogging is for me! I know terrible
So today I received very disappointing news. I auditioned for a team at the university I will be going to called Youth Quest. It would be like my dream come true. I would have been away the majority of weekends ministering to youth with the team. I would be part of the improve team. I would be using acting, improve my “talents” that I actually enjoy using for God and his kingdom.
But today I got a “we regret to inform you email”
GOD I DID NOT WANT TO SEE THAT
Note I did not just use the Lord’s name in vain. I meant what I said
Seriously I did not want to see that. I was banking on getting accepted to that program, it came with a scholarship whatever it was I don’t care because money doesn’t matter to me. I was banking on it because I would be involved in a program that I WANT to be in, not a program to look good on a resume or application, not a program to please my parents. I WANTED to do it, I have so much passion for drama and for youth and my Father’s kingdom it was perfect. Until I didn’t get accepted, honeslty I want to know what I did wrong, how did I mess up, why wasn’t I good enough
This past year has been FULL of letdowns like this
I spent 6 years building and participating in a program called Army Cadets and this was my year to take over the program but GUESS WHAT I didn’t get the position. Why? I'm not sure, the under qualified guy who I trained up got it! Recently I auditioned for a play, and not to my surprise I got a not so major role, however I could deal with that I didn’t put 6 years into that. I feel like I have been really trying and every time I try or want something I don’t get it. And it’s not like I want an iPod or a new phone or some toy, I want things in life, I want to help grow the Father’s kingdom, I want to be a leader. Why does at every chance I have it fails. I HAVE A FIRE DOWN IN MY SOUL THAT I CAN’T CONTAIN, I HAVE PASSION THAT IS WASTING AWAY. I WANT MORE OF MY FATHER but every time it fails. I don’t want to be stuck in a program at university that doesn’t flame my passion, I don’t want to be stuck In a negative atmosphere, or terrible programs, like I did in highschool I want to be able to express my passion, I want be able to make a difference I want to stop FAILING I want to be accepted into a program for once and get what I have worked for
Is that too much to ask?
Is that too much to ask?
Hey Emily,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to remind you that when one door closes in our lives countless others open... it might seem like there can't possibly be a better opportunity out there for you but trust me it'll come.
What city are you planning to go to school in? Have you considered looking around a community groups that work through various churches to serve with them? There are tons of organizations that do outreach work for Christ and many of them use drama in their work or else they would be willing to incorporate drama if this is your gift. You could even start your own organization that was drama based with a group of friends. The possibilities are endless! Take some time to prayerfully discern the voice of God in your life... I am sure that you will be a wonderful leader for Christ and that you just haven't found the niche to which God is calling you yet.
The process of discernment is a powerful thing we learn about both ourselves and others through that process and it can sure bring us to some amazing places. My own personal discernment journey is taking me to Winnipeg this upcoming spring to serve the marginalized for a month with a religious order and I believe that it will be a wonderful and fruitful experience in my life.
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